“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.