“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.