UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I hope Alan is OK
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh