Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!