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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.