Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.