Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
You Might Also Like
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.