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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
handsome & gretel
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.