*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Come back with a warrant
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: