*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
nature’s most graceful animal
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Practicing safe sax
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila