*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
you have three unread messages
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.