*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When someone trying to leave me
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY