[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
No laws when master is gone
