[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo