[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I identify as an antique shop.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”