Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.