I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
s
oc
i
a
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.