Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
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Single worst piece of software ever invented
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
ugh not again
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days