Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?



God: technically that’s a tooth.

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I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.


you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate


Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders


If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.


*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*


Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.


good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory


Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.