@NewDadNotes

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

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@WeedlordKrillin

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

@StarrsWar

No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.

@Jarhead44

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

@seandunn76

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

@WittySassBasket

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@Parkerlawyer

I don’t remember 6th grade science being this hard.

But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn’t trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.

@miilkkk

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

@PhilJamesson

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days