I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God: technically that’s a tooth.
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you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News