[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God: technically that’s a tooth.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t remember 6th grade science being this hard.
But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn’t trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days