Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*