Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe