Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.