Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

So creative 😂

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom