Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?