Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO