Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello