Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Raisins are grape jerky.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

When you “pspspsp” too hard

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.