unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*