@NapVeg

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

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@nattygeeee

Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses

@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cat starts snoring]

Awwww.

[dog starts snoring]

Awwww.

[spouse starts snoring]

I would murder you twice right now if I could.

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@Desert_Musings

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

@FrogAvalanche

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.