unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter