Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Its true…