Unimpressed
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
A man of commitment.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
