Unimpressed
You Might Also Like
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.