unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
This is painfully accurate 😅
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