Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

me as a parent

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

mandolin: finally a violin for men

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…