United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You’re never alone. Theres mold