United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes