Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.