UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”