Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

🤭

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

I need to update my racial profile.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

😂😂

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Its true…

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.