UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.

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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.



*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}


You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.


Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds


I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.


*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.


Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office