United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse