Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Peter Parker Peter Driver

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.