United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

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Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no


If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.


[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit


My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.


there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy


Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.


David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.


“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff


*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”