United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Just why bro?!
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.