Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!
My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Where does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said