United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*