United Steaks of America
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”