United Steaks of America
You Might Also Like
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers