Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan