[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.![]()
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest