Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.