Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car