Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.