Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Don’t talk down to me

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away