universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The Sun
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]