Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years