Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?