Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.