Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.