@ventivodkacran

Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.

That’s how that works, right?

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@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@callmeshitto

18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget

@AdamBroud

HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

@trentistweeting

[interview]
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome

@sofarrsogud

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

@donnalburt

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

@AnniemuMary

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

@bonehugsnirony

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

@E_lok44

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

@novicefather

*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”