I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Scream sneezers need love too.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
We decided to have money instead of children.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.