Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.

That’s how that works, right?

You Might Also Like


Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.


18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget


HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor


My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome


The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.


The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.


Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.


If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.


“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese


*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”