My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, “werewolf.”
Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.
That’s how that works, right?
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[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves
A community gardening co-op called Weed ‘em & Reap
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?