Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.