[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER