Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.