Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.