Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.