Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out