Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

fr

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

wait.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

This is Sparta

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.