Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?