Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.