Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.