Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos