Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

🐕🍷

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE