Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
This did not end as expected.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m listening
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough