Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”