“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
You Might Also Like
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.